I’m in a strange and slightly unfamiliar place today. We are two days away from our family celebration, my daughter continues to be very unwell, medical professionals aren’t giving me reason to feel good about trusting them, I had a day of wider family interactions which left me drained yesterday, I’m thinking far too much about the other I was unfaithful with due to time of year and strong, intrusive memories, and consequently I’m annoyed with myself AND YET I’ve got a buoyant feeling. Like I say, strange and unfamiliar.
I’ve been reading the book of Job, and the bit at the beginning where God says how great Job is, in terms of his love and service for God, and the devil says, well of course he loves you, you’ve given him a great life – what’s not to love ? And then everything is taken away from Job in an attempt by the devil to prove that he is only honouring God because of the material blessing he’s been given.
The book of Job makes for painful reading as Job has no idea why his life becomes so wretched, AND YET he doesn’t curse God, but maintains his trust leading up to the amazing moment when he speaks directly with God, and I suspect was never the same again.
That inexplicable feeling of joy is what I’m celebrating today. My tiny similarity to Job is what I’m celebrating.
Because I am certain, I am sure, that my faith in God, my love for Him is not solely based on what He can do for me in material blessing terms. I’m not in it for the money.
I know that my life is still full of material goods, and that having a difficult marriage and sick children doesn’t mean that my life is, by world standards, in any way ‘hard’, but I do know that it is not a carefree walk in the park either. I had healthy children once. I had a good marriage once. Both of those went and took many other life opportunities with them. The marriage is now better than before, but the children’s health – not so much. I can’t pursue career as I had hoped to. We can’t make plans in the way we thought we would. The future looks very different to what we might have wished for, or assumed would be ours.
I’m still here putting my trust in God every day. I’ve not been able to resist cursing God at times, but I’m still here with Him. Why? Because I love Him.
And this is the bit where I say, well actually I do love God and trust Him and serve Him because of what’s in it for me.
I love Him because He knows everything I’ve ever done and thought and felt and He still loves me.
I love Him because He doesn’t leave.
I love Him because I am in awe of Him.
I love Him because He has given me life.
I love Him because when I said to Him you are all I have so I need you to show me you are real and here and involved, He did.
I love Him because He is quick to forgive.
I love Him because He sees me as beautiful.
I love Him because I believe He is making my life something that matters.
I love Him because of everything about Him, and not because of anything about me or my life.
I love Him because He loves me.
And that is worth celebrating