Retreating

Later today I will pack some stuff in a bag, throw my bike in the car and drive off into the sunset. I’m running away / retreating/ taking a break – however you want to describe it, the action is the same. I’m leaving my day to day behind.

I’ve never, ever done this before. I have no idea what to expect, and when I booked it, only a few days ago, I thought I was taking time out to spend time in accompanied prayer trying to find out what God wants me to do next. Not in any big life plans sense, but just how the heck do I get over the pain of the past and move on. It’s so hard.

But in the past few days my child’s health has deteriorated significantly and even though it’s contrary to my instincts to leave at this point, I’m still going, but I now wonder if there’s a different purpose.

I’m giving a lot of love out these days. Love in the painful dark days where I wish I wasn’t the grown up and I could ask someone else to cope with it all.

and because my husband loves me he’s sending me away to take a break.

and because I want our marriage to survive I’m taking it, because we never did this in the past. We never talked about how hard and how wearing caring can be, and we didn’t take care of each other in the midst of the pain. and look where that led.

and because God loves me maybe he just wants to sing me a lullaby or put on an awesome sunset for me to see whilst I ride my bike.

I’ve been so caught up with trying to fix things, trying to make amends, and do the right thing and effectively do penance for my sins, that I think somewhere along the way I’ve forgotten that God really loves me. And that because He loves me like my Dad, He is actually heartbroken that I have been hurting for a long time. Like my Dad, or I would be for my children, He knows that much of the mess is of my own making, but it doesn’t stop Him wanting to comfort me.

I wonder if instead of going this weekend to wrestle with difficult things, and face my own sinful motivations and thoughts, I’m actually going away to curl up on God’s lap and fall asleep while he strokes my hair.

I don’t know what will happen this weekend, but friends I covet your prayers. For my family as I leave them and for myself.

I know I’ve been writing a little less frequently here and that is partly because the biggest things going on in my life right now relate to my children, whose privacy I want to maintain. It’s tricky to blog honestly and also to protect those closest and I am trying to walk the line. I appreciate your understanding of that.

And if, like me, you are contemplating the body this month with Jamie Bonilla, then I should tell you that today’s word is ‘ache’ and that fits for me today. 

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