I’ve been pausing in the past week. Not pausing with life but with writing. I don’t have the words just yet to articulate what I’m feeling.
I’ve experienced significant emotional shifts, and I have stepped into new places, I am scared and excited at the same time. A friend wrote to me this week, ‘I celebrate you living wild and big’. Another friend wrote, ‘Don’t live life in fear.’ Another looked me in the eyes and said, ‘When you’ve been forgiven that’s it. It’s happened. It’s done. You don’t need to keep feeling that it’s still to come.’
That’s how it feels. I’m standing in open spaces and I’m setting fear aside. I’m living wild and big again.
It feels good and uncomfortable at the same time. Uncomfortable because it’s not how things have been, and I worry if it’s sustainable. I look at other people and I don’t seem to have their consistency, their stability. And yet good because wild and big is the place that I feel most whole, most content, most alive.
I am in a place of present, without questioning where it has come from or where it will go. I don’t think that it’s a mistake that I chose the word ‘Rooted’ this year. For me the roots are going down into Christ and His love, and to my family. I don’t know how the plant will grow but I know the soil is good and the sun is shining.
“We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanence, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth.”
Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh