I’ve started something new on Instagram. I’m over there as Caiobhe_Hope and I’m taking pictures of love.
The past years have seen me believing myself to be unloved, looking for love, believing myself to be unloveable and then not knowing whether I could love again.
In the early months of re-building our marriage I kept asking ‘Will I ever love my husband again?’ . I couldn’t even imagine what that would look like. I couldn’t remember what it had felt like when I did.
It’s now nearly 16 months since I told my husband I wanted our marriage to be over. 16 months of staying and working out what it is to be married to each other. What it is to be committed and faithful to each other. What it is to behave lovingly towards each other. What it is to forgive each other.
You’ll know from reading these diaries how agonisingly painful this has been, but recently I’ve noticed a change. Something is different.
I think I’m glimpsing love.
I want to notice it. I want to see it and be able to say, ‘Yes, this is love. I love again. I love my husband again’.
I thought that I never would. I thought that I might not ever love any man again. but it seems that I do.
I noticed it when we were both at home on a Sunday morning and I spent my time baking cakes so that I could bring him some good food as he worked in our garden.
I took a picture of it. I wanted to remember that glimpse of love.
I saw it again in a mixing bowl and a pile of dirty dishes. I’d just made him a birthday cake. I make everyone birthday cakes, but last year, I didn’t make one for my husband. I was unable to invest, that part of me that shows love through cooking, in him. Even on his birthday. I bought him a cake, and it tasted good, but it wasn’t love. This year, it was made in the gaps of a busy day. I found time to do it. It mattered to me to show him that I know what his favourite cake is, and that I have been thinking of him.
I need reminders all the time of the way that this journey is going, so these photos will serve as reminders. I’m also noticing love from others too and I don’t want to let that pass by unnoticed either. The God I serve is a God of love, so I think it’s probably everywhere when we start really seeing.
Love. It’s too important to miss.
How about it? Will you join me in glimpsing love using the hashtag #glimpsesoflove