real life, real mess, real hope

So here’s the thing. I don’t want to be consumed by negative things. By negative influences, events, people or circumstances. And yet, some days I find myself slouched on the floor watching my space fill up with negativity, after a door left ajar allows it entry.

I don’t like the person I am when I’m there. Once the door is open everything rushes in, and I have difficult getting up from my slouched position to close it.

I become frustrated. I’ve been doing ok. And then Bam. I’m right back in a bad place.

Yesterday this happened to me. It was horrible. Almost unbearable. I began to feel things creeping in to the room which  placed distance between myself and my husband. It felt like the bad old days of dishonesty and having a mind that was always thinking of someone else.

But I did something different, something which I didn’t do in the past. I told people what I was feeling. I told them what was going on for me. I told them that I was feeling pulled by negative things, by sin and by destruction and that I hated it, but I could feel it gaining a hold on me. I wouldn’t show them my face because I was ashamed. But I did show them my heart. I told them that I needed them to tell me something. Not the lines about ‘you know you shouldn’t’ or ‘this really isn’t good’, or ‘not after all you’ve been through’. I needed them to tell me what they know of me so that I could remember. So that I could get up off my backside and close the door. So that I could stand up straight, lift my gaze, lift my heart, and say, ‘I do not choose to be consumed by these things.’

I needed them to tell me where they see the Spirit of God working in me and changing me and living in me. I needed to be reminded that we are more than conquerors, always.

They did that for me. And they told me not to hide my face. They said I should never be ashamed in their presence.

This morning I woke and I knew that the door had been closed. For this moment anyway.

I wanted to share this today for a couple of reasons. Firstly, so that you know that even though I am still married 16 months after facing up to all the mess with my husband, there are still days when suddenly everything looks as messed up as it ever did. If you are experiencing similar things don’t beat yourself up about it.  I’m told this is quite normal. It’s a long process. A daily journey.

Secondly, I want to say that shame should not stop us from sharing with each other what is going on in our lives. I’ve written about this before, but it was shame that stopped me from telling the people who love me what was going on in my life in the past, and if I had told them, maybe much brokeness could have been avoided.

Sometimes we just forget who we are and what strength we have.

No one else shut the door for me.

I did it, but I did need people to tell me that I could.

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12 thoughts on “real life, real mess, real hope

  1. Yes we need to be open and show our hearts. I remember when I left my call a year ago and the church members were happy for me to move closer to my momma. I remember them continually saying to me “Show them your heart!”

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  2. Tough days, but how good is God! I am so pleased you have amazing friends around you.
    You wrote this on a day I need extra strength. I had to write our story out today as we have been asked to share soon, and I cried through most of it. So much shame, but there is also so much of Gods faithfulness. His faithfulness and acceptance gives me strength – but I’m so thankful for your reminder! x

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    1. We need those reminders don’t we ? I forget so quickly just how much God loves me, despite all the evidence of it around me. Let’s keep remembering together. I can imagine how painful writing your story must have been. Praying for your heart as you share it more widely.

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      1. Just to update you Caiobhe, it went so well! My husband got called away to something else a couple of hours before, so I had to do it alone, but with his full support. God was there. My knees shook, my voice shook, but hearts were changed. I am so humbled. So amazed. God is good. Beauty from ashes! ❤

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      2. This was the most beautiful news to waken to today! Well done – it must have been so scary and yet isn’t God amazing that he uses our mess and brokeness to show others what he can do ? He is SO good 🙂 Beauty from ashes. one of my favourite songs is Gungor, Beautiful Things. I think you are now living what that looks like. ❤

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      3. I’ve only just had time to listen to your song. It is beautiful. He is making us new. He takes our hand and leads us step by step. What the enemy uses for evil, God will use for good Caiobhe. I hold on to that all the time. 💖

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  3. It’s not a linear journey is it? I may think I’m doing better, we’re doing better, then bam, something happens to remind me that it’s still early days and who am I kidding to think I’m over what happened? It takes such a long time to heal. I find it hard to stay with the process. Thank you for sticking with it.

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    1. You are doing well. It is such early days, and no it’s not linear. But then when breakthroughs come they aren’t just a little step, it’s like jumping forward 100 metres in a moment. Stick with it.

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