This morning I woke up feeling tired and overwhelmed. In a few days time it will be a year since the relationship ended with the other. Things said and done are as clear in my mind as if it all happened only a few weeks ago.
A year ago we sat on a pavement as he read a letter I’d written to him. It was the first love letter I’d ever penned, and it was also a goodbye letter. He cried as he read it. The memory comes with feelings of how much I wanted to be with him, and how painful it was to let him go. It also comes with a deep sigh of sorrow for all that has passed in the 12 months that have followed.
You are seen
I’ve been dreading this week ,and this morning my first thought on waking was ‘How do I get through this day?’. As I glanced up I saw coloured light through my curtains, and I knew there must be an amazing sunrise out my window.
I think God loves me.
Last night I texted a friend to ask her to pray for me today. She replied this morning as I was getting ready to leave the house:
“You’re not unseen today. But seen and known and loved beyond measure. Psalm 33:18 ‘but the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love’. “
Her text confirmed the message I’d already correctly interpreted from the sunrise. God loves me, He sees me and He knows me. He knows that today could be a really hard day. He knows that looking up, looking at the sky reminds me of Him. He made sure that I did that within seconds of waking by giving me such a glorious view from my bed that I couldn’t deny His presence with me from the very first moments of my day.
God’s hand is on my life
I walked along the street enjoying the sunshine, and the thought popped into my head ‘I’m glad to be alive today’. It stopped me in my tracks as I realised that when the relationship ended a year ago I didn’t want to be alive. But I am. And I am glad that I am. So glad.
It was with total expectancy of more communication that I opened my bible and looked up my readings for today.
Psalm 139:5 “You hem me in – behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.”
Of course that is true. I can’t even get out of bed without seeing Him. He prompts my friend to text me the follow up message to the sunrise just to make sure I get the point. He has given me hope so that I chose life. His hand is upon me.
God is with you
I turned to the next reading. Daniel 7 v 9:
“As I looked, “thrones were set in place, and the Ancient of Days took his seat. His clothing was as white as snow; the hair of his head was white like wool. His throne was flaming with fire, and its wheels were all ablaze.”
This is who has hemmed me in. The Ancient of Days. The alpha and omega. The King on a flaming throne. With wheels.
That detail struck me when I read it. Wheels on a throne. That is not usual. It is a throne that moves. He is where we are. He is in battle beside us. He is present, not just as a shepherd or a Father or a brother, but as a powerful being in flaming glory. And He gave me a sunrise this morning.
Let the light shine
I turned to my last reading. Matthew 5 v 14-16:
“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let you light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”
The first part excites me, but the bit about my ‘good deeds’, has me shrinking inside. And yet…….
I start to think about all that I’ve understood from the scriptures this morning. What are my good deeds? I can easily think of all the bad ones; but the good ?
If any form of active choice followed by doing is a ‘deed’ then trusting God and acting in obedience to him is a ‘deed’.
So on a day where I woke up with a heavy heart, full of despair and sadness, I know already ( and it’s not even 11am!) that I am seen and loved and known and in the presence of the Ancient of Days who is by my side in his flaming throne, and who is calling me out to give light to the world.
That is who I am.
That is who loves me.
That is what I am called to.
This is what Hope does.
For the remainder of this year I intend to post each day a verse about Hope. Hope has been my word for the year, and I want to end the year by letting the light shine through sharing God’s words on this blog. I hope that you will join me as we do that.