This morning I woke up tired and with some anxieties present . I pulled myself upright and fished under my bed for my bible and readings.
‘Ok God. Talk to me. I need you to be direct this morning. I need something to hold on to today. I am tired, so you need to make it plain. I won’t get subtlety today. ‘
My first reading:
Psalm 45 v 11
‘The king is enthralled by your beauty,
Honour him for he is your Lord.’
That was direct, and a surprise, and it spoke to all kinds of complicated feelings I had yesterday about myself, my appearance, my gifts and abilities.
When I was involved with the other I knew that he was ‘enthralled’ by me. He used the word ‘captivated’. It was hugely flattering, and made me feel so good at the time. I liked that feeling. Of course I did. I suspect I am no different to any other person – we all want to be thought of as beautiful, both in appearance and character. I want that affirmation, and although my husband is diligent in affirming me, sometimes I want more than he can give me.
So to be told this morning that God himself finds me enthralling is a bit of a direct statement! Really, me? And my response should be to honour Him. To stay where he can see me. To be fully myself so that He can enjoy every aspect of me.
I moved on to the poetry that was shared below the readings, and these words spoke right in to my deepest places:
‘This is an Amma, Desert Mother,
Who left the city’s crowds
to find a place of solitude
to seek God only, face to face,
to know her God and to be known
and truly seen
yet loved and claimed as His,
a warrior who has faced herself
and lived to tell the tale
of love that frees and draws and heals.
She is not alone for many others
Seek the desert and its wisdom and
as others show the way of Christ to them
so they each will show to each who seek the way,
like beloved John,
On Jesus’ breast and listening for his heart.
So many come; so many lean;
So many come to love and lean;
they say this is the house that love built. “
( Celtic Daily Readings November 6th)
This is what I want. I want to be like that woman. I want ‘to know [my] God and to be known and truly seen yet loved and claimed as His,’
This is our God, one who we can lean into and listen for his heart. Our God who knows us fully and is enthralled by us; who wants us to sit with Him as we look into our deep places and come to know ourselves as He knows us. Who can give us direct when we are too tired to understand subtle.
To do this is not easy. It takes courage. It is brave to keep asking the God who made the universe to be involved in your life. Today I realise that through this season I am becoming ‘a warrior who has lived to tell the tale of love that frees and draws and heals.’
I sense that many of you reading this are warrior women who are leaning in. I am glad that I am not alone with the desert and its wisdom. Keep leaning and loving and sharing what you discover with others. Believe that the King is enthralled by your beauty.
This is life-giving.
This is Hope.