I know how that feels….. and that is why I’m telling my story.

“Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story— those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.” (Psalm 107:2-3 NIV)

One year ago today, the other  told me that he loved me, and that he couldn’t go on without me, and he made me feel loved and known and wanted and safe.

“Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story— those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.” 

In case any of you reading this are at that 1 year ago stage, where someone has taken a firm hold of your heart and hands, and despite everything in you knowing that it’s not good it feels so good and fills so many needs that you can’t stop yourself from taking hold of their hands and heart in response…..I want to tell you these things.

I know how that feels. I know what a relief it is to feel loved. I know what it is like to think that you have found the one person in the world who understands YOU. As you are – in that moment; not as you were when you made a choice to get married to someone 5, 10, 15, 20 years previous.

And I know that when it ends, as it must, because you are right, it is not good for you or for him or for anyone else in your lives, you think that you cannot keep going because the pain is too great.

And I know that people will tell you that time will ease things, and you will find a way to get through, and you don’t believe them, because you just want life to end right now if it can’t have him in it.

And I know that you will spend many days where all you can do is cry. Sometimes so loudly that friends outside your house can hear you when you’ve told them that you are fine and just need to be left alone.

And I know that people will tell you it was a fantasy, and not real, and that your marriage and your children are real, and that it would never have worked out for you with him anyway. And you will know that it wasn’t a real life day to day living context, but you will know that your feelings were absolutely real, whether wrong, misguided or irrational. And you will wish that you’d had the chance to see if it would have worked out, because everything in you wants him to be part of your future story.

And I know that you will wonder how you got to this place? This wasn’t part of your life plan. This isn’t who you meant to be.

“Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story— those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.”

Here are the things I want you to know in addition to all of those others……

 You will get through this. It’s ok to be where you are. You are not a bad person. You may have made some choices which are now hurting you, but this is what it is to be human.

There is grace. Grace from God who loves and cares and never leaves. Grace from others. Grace from yourself. Perhaps that is the hardest to find.

The pain will ease. I don’t know if it will ever go away entirely. But for me it has lessened and it has changed. The pain is no longer the devastating grief of what felt like a bereavement, because the reality is that feelings do change. I will not ever pretend that I didn’t really love him for a time, because I did. In many ways it would be easier to look back on it and say it was nothing and all a complex mix of unfortunate circumstances. But I’m old enough to know what is real and what is imagined. It was not a teenage crush. It was so much more. I loved him. However, I do not love him any longer.

The pain will change. The hurts are different, but I am no longer a shell of a woman as I was ten months ago. I seem to have been restored from the inside out. My deepest needs have been met by a God who has been so close and so real. Knowing that the other lied to me and about me initially devastated me, because I was still so dependent on his love to make me feel ok about myself. Now I know that I have value and worth because I believe that God really, really likes me and totally loves me. Additionally I have found my way to a better relationship with my husband than we have had in many years. It is not a pain- free easy relationship, it is hard, but it is honest and has a depth and reality to it, in the context of many years of shared history and family building, which means that it is satisfying at so many levels.

“Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story— those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.”

I’ve been telling my story and I will keep telling my story, because I have been redeemed, and I really didn’t believe it was possible. That is why we tell each other our stories, because if I can be loved, then you can be loved. If my pain can lessen, then your pain can lessen.

I am so glad for each person who shares their stories of redemption here and in other places because you encourage me. Thank you for that.

“Let the redeemed of the Lord tell their story— those he redeemed from the hand of the foe, those he gathered from the lands, from east and west, from north and south.” (Psalm 107:2-3 NIV)

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18 thoughts on “I know how that feels….. and that is why I’m telling my story.

  1. Thank you for telling your story. You give me hope and encouragement. Only a month into restoring my marriage and through God we will.

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  2. Thank you for being so real. It was so honest it was almost painful to read, because I can only imagine what you must have gone through. Such a powerful verse, and testimony.

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