‘Always be joyful. Always keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ.” 1 Thessalonians 5 v 16-18
‘You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you, says the Lord.’ Jeremiah 29 v 13-14
‘For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus.’ Romans 8
These are truths. I can testify to their truth.
After the Sunday I wrote about yesterday, I felt as if I had moved another step along the journey. I felt released from things that were holding me. I felt more myself, and I felt a contentment with what I had and where I was.
I had been working hard on truth with my husband for months. I was aware that there were a few other people who I felt should also know the truth. I didn’t like that some people, particularly within the church context, didn’t know the truth. I felt they should have an explanation as to why I hadn’t been attending. We had a group of friends who had been praying for us for months, in particular about when and how and who we/ I should tell. On a number of occasions I’d wanted to tell, but all the pray-ers had come back with a ‘no, not yet’. This time everyone came back with a ‘yes’. Part of me really wanted a no.
I made an appointment to see an elder on a Sunday afternoon. That morning I stayed at home, when my family went to church. I wrote in my journal,
‘I’ve contacted [ ] after he asked about me in a church context and we are going to meet. I feel sure it is the right next step but it feels awful. this morning I felt I just needed Jesus to ‘love on me’ .
I was feeling full of self loathing. I despised myself. I was preparing to tell people whose respect I had previously enjoyed, that I had been involved with the other. As I sat praying, I felt God was telling me that he was proud of me. This made no sense. I wrote this,
‘How can he be proud of me?………. I think maybe it’s like when your child does wrong but then you see their character develop and their heart show as they work to change, to restore, to make reparation. God knows how hard this next step is for me and he will walk it with me. I’m not alone. ‘
I thought that I had done things that put me outside of God’s love and care and concern and yet I found myself more aware of God’s love than ever before.
‘Nothing can separate us from the love of God’. Nothing.
Lights in the darkness.