One of the most significant things I’ve learned over these past months is that I don’t learn something just once. I learn and forget; I learn and become worn down; I learn and am distracted; I learn and choose to ignore; I learn again and again and again. The same lessons.
And that does not make me a failure .
It does not mean I am stupid.
It doesn’t prove that I don’t want to make good choices.
It is not something to be ashamed of.
A couple of weeks after Easter I was wondering if things would ever get easier? I wondered if my feelings would ever change? Would I ever stop missing the other? Would I ever feel love for my husband again? I wrote in my journal;
“Today I commit this next term to you Father. With all its unknowns. Carry me close. Don’t set me down even if I wriggle and try to get away. Please can you soothe away some of the pain too. I need you. I know you will never leave me or forsake me. I totally trust you. “
Weeks later things continued to be difficult. It was the other’s birthday and I found myself in a shop buying a gift for him. I didn’t send it. I told a friend what I’d done and she held me accountable over the difficult week of his birthday. I didn’t know how to keep holding fast but I kept reading my bible. On a difficult morning the reading was from Hebrews 12 v 4;
“In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding blood.”
I was really struck by those words. Resisting sin, following the right paths is expected to be immensely difficult. In some ways I was reassured that finding it so difficult was not because I was particularly weak or rubbish, but because it was HARD.
I read on further to verses 11 and 12
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on however it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet so that the limb which is lamed may not be put out of joint but be healed.”
Could God have been giving me any clearer communications? I needed level paths. That meant sticking with my marriage, not contacting the other, going to counselling and trusting God. I had a lame limb which needed to heal. I had been badly, badly injured and I needed to walk in a way that would allow healing rather than make things worse.
He knew my arms were feeble and my knees were weak. He knew I was lame. It was ok to be as I was.
Lights in the darkness.