“When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who knows my way.”
Psalm 142 v 3
Those were days of a faint spirit. It was a time where I felt uncertain about whether I could commit to my marriage again. Yes, I was still there but I was never far from calling time on everything. I knew that my uncertainty was creating and encouraging a fragility about all our interactions, but I didn’t feel I could do anything else. I didn’t feel that I was at a point where I could, or had to, make a decision and I just hoped that I’d know when I had got to that point.
I would guess that it is always true, that when someone forms a relationship with someone outside their marriage or partnership, it is because they are missing things within their established relationship. Very early on I had identified a number of those defecits which the other filled for me, and I for him. One of the things that I knew I needed to do, for my own well being, was to get those defecits filled from ‘safe’ places. I knew that they couldn’t remain empty; my need for them to be filled was just too great. I kept asking God to do it and I also looked at ways I could have those needs met safely. As I moved through those weeks I noticed the whispers of God showing me that I was understood and He knew how to communicate with me in ways that would mean something to me.
But doing new things, from such a broken place, was almost more than I could manage. I realised the physical and emotional toll which the previous months had taken on me. I was not who I used to be. I felt pathetic. A friend held me as I cried.
I wrote this in my journal as I reflected on whether I really was as pathetic and weak as I was perceiving myself to be: ( warning: strong language)
‘I had years of unhappiness and difficulties and then I was loved by someone who I loved, and then he left me and hurt me and lied about me and I don’t love my husband but I’m staying because I think I should for the children and for him and it feels selfish to break things up and I’m depressed, and I’m working and I’m supporting other people and I’m looking after children and I’m trying to restore myself and I’m trying to keep exercising and eating. It is fucking amazing that I am even getting up in the mornings.
And that tells me that God is real and present and that I have strength because of that and because of who He made me to be. And I hope against hope, or maybe because of hope, that there are no right or wrong answers apart from the truth of knowing God and trusting Him.’
Even then. Lights in the darkness.