When I began this blog I said that the process I was in was not linear. That hasn’t changed. Sometimes it feels like a sea with waves that rise and fall. At other times I most definitely move round in circles. It’s also like that when I try to think of how to share the real life lessons learned in this process.
If only they came neatly numbered 1 – 10. I’m not sure which is most important, and which comes in at the bottom. I have a sense that they are all interlinked and that there is no value to anyone in trying to untangle and understand.
All I can share is my truth. Piece by piece, and if you find that any of them resonate then pick them up and see if they fit in your life too. Having an extra-marital relationship is a truly awful thing for everyone, but if you can mine the depths of yourself and try to understand why the pull was so strong towards something that wasn’t right, then there may be treasures to be found in the darkness.
Some of the treasures I’ve found will apply to marriages whilst others are applicable to all human relationships. I’m sure if we really stuck to ‘Love God and Love your neighbour’ it would probably cover them all.
I’m starting with a really straightforward one tonight.
With each other.
We’ve had other little hands to hold for years and years. Those hands are soft and squidgy and do something to our hearts when they reach for ours. Sometimes they are attached to little people who can make a huge fuss if we don’t hold their hands. Sometimes it’s the easiest way to get a family to move in the right direction, and I love holding my children’s hands.
But I discovered last year that having my held hand by an adult who wanted to hold it because (he said) he loved me, was a wonderful thing. Recently I have let my husband know that I want him to take my hand. I want to be physically connected to him. I want to be identified as a couple. I want to enjoy his company and conversation. When he chooses to hold my hand instead of holding the hands of the children I gave birth to, it shows all of us that I really matter to him. I think maybe we thought it was not right to prioritise ourselves over our children, but that was, frankly, nuts.
Our children may object to not holding our hands, but they will never object to parents who choose each other over all others.