In my last post I wrote in response to a prompt ‘Whisper’ and I think it’s time for me to start whispering some truths on this blog. I began writing these Hope Diaries in January of this year to record my decision to stay and work at a marriage which I believed to be dead.
It’s not dead now. It’s very much alive. And in much the same way as I didn’t really want to choose the word Hope for my year, because it felt too, well, hopeful, I am really hesitant in declaring my marriage to be alive and this blog somewhere where I will share some of the lessons I’ve learned about watching dead things come back to life. It feels impossible. How can this be my reality now? 12 months ago I was in love with someone I wasn’t married to and I was working out how to end my life because it all felt like such a broken, shameful, lonely mess.
And today. I love my husband. I really do. And I am utterly certain that he loves me, more than anything or anyone else. And more than I could ever have believed. And my life is still intact. Many things were broken. Those which I have any control over are now in some stage of restoration or repair. I have set shame aside. And I am not lonely. I have friends whose worth could not be measured in gold. Honestly. They are treasure. How I came to have them standing with me is a mystery but they have been there. My love for my heavenly Father and for Jesus has never been greater.
This is real talk and I constantly feel the call of authenticity so the paragraph above is not describing a white picket fence scenario. Yes all those things are true, but it took us several years to get to our lowest, most messed up, hurtful and hurting point, and it will take us some time to come out. So most days I fight ghosts, and my husband works at forgiveness, and it can be really rough, and truth still hurts, and restoration is painstaking and exhausting. And we don’t have control over it all, and there are a few flying objects which we have to try to avoid, or just apply the bandages when they hit us. But we are doing all of that together.
None of this makes sense to me. I think those watching from the sidelines have been amazed too. It’s testimony to God’s ability to do more than we believe to be possible.
I never thought this was going to be a marriage recovery blog, but I think the rest of my life is going to be a marriage recovery story so if I am to write about my truth this is what will be here.
I was talking to a friend about my marriage relationship now, and she said that it gave her hope for other couples because it wasn’t ‘just’ our faith that had got us to this point. She said that what she has spent a year watching has been hard work, a lot of tears, and a willingness to keep going beyond the point I wanted to stop. I believe that God has enabled me to do the work and keep going.
The lessons I’ve learned about dead things coming back to life are not faith based. I think that they are for anyone in any relationship. And maybe like me you’ve heard variations on them over and over again. And maybe you question why I think I should add to that noise?
I have shared my pain here with you. I hope that you know that nothing I write here is written lightly. It is written with trepidation and in response to a call to live truthfully.
So in the next weeks, months – who knows, years(!) I will share parts of our life here. I don’t have all the answers, or even any of the answers. What I do know is that I was lost and now I’m found, and I want you to know how that has happened.
Once again I am linking up with Marvia Davidsons’ Real Talk Tuesday