broken – again

I wonder when it will stop.

Do people ever lose their power to hurt you? How do you stop it from happening?

People are quoting the line from ‘The Fault in Our Stars’ that goes a little like this – we can’t choose whether or not we get hurt, but we can choose who gets to hurt us. In the story that line makes sense, and seems true and good. In reality I think it’s nonsense. We can’t choose either of those options It’s not within our control to protect ourselves from hurt. As the saying goes, shit happens.

It happens to all of us. It happens to the good, the bad and the somewhere in between.

Tonight it’s happened to me. Part of the same story, but a new angle. I was hurt by something that was shared with me. The friend who shared it was not the one who hurt me, but I think that she feels that she has caused the hurt. She didn’t hurt me.  It was him. Again.

Only this morning I had once again made choices in an effort to protect myself from further hurt. I thought I could do that. Turns out that I couldn’t.

Now it is almost 1am and I have cried many tears. I have a headache from crying. I’m worn and exhausted. Again.

So if we can’t protect ourselves from being hurt, what do we do when it happens?  There are so many instinctive responses – anger, swearing, a desire for justice, brokeness, tears, a belief that we are worthless and deserve to be treated badly. An almost physical desire to disappear, become nothing. But what will any of these responses achieve ?

I don’t know. All I can see tonight is that tomorrow I must get up and love my children. What is going to enable me to do that?

It’s going to have to be God again.  This morning in the bible reading for the day he once again gave me the promise that I will be like a well watered tree in the parched lands. That I will be the rebuilder of broken dwellings. At the moment I feel like the broken building. Maybe I will be rebuilding myself.

Even in the midst of all this pain I can see his graciousness in allowing me those words to set before me today. So that tonight I can turn back to them. I am not pretending that this is not agony. It is.

What I am acknowledging is that God is here. Sitting in the kitchen with me tonight. Understanding pain and loneliness and betrayal.

and he loves me.

for tonight that is enough.

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