This week has been difficult. I’ve felt tired. I’ve wondered how hard do I have to try ? How much effort do I need to keep putting in to things to make them alright? How long can I keep this up for ?
On consecutive days this week I omitted my daily practice of reading Morning Prayer and spending time focussing on the bible. That is why it felt hard, and lonely, and I felt hungry, thirsty, overwhelmed and exhausted.
I knew that I needed God’s words. I knew that I needed to sit still and breathe. But I resisted.
Why ? Why do I do that? It’s so counter-productive.
Do I think that I’m hiding from God ?
That if I don’t sit with him he’s not going to notice what’s going on in my heart and mind and it’s much better for me to work through my mess and only go talk to him when I’ve sorted it all out .
Let me promise you – that approach doesn’t work. Tried it. Look where it’s got me.
This morning I haven’t yet eaten or dressed but I have read and prayed and thought and breathed. In Morning Prayer I read these questions :
“Who is it that you seek?” We seek the Lord our God.
Do you seek him with all your heart? Amen. Lord have mercy
Do you seek him with all your soul? Amen. Lord have mercy
Do you seek him with all your mind? Amen. Lord have mercy.
Do you seek him with all your strength? Amen. Christ have mercy.
This morning I thought about the last question.
I’ve felt like my strength is being used up. I now realise I’ve been using it on the wrong things.
I kept asking, surely if this is the right path, and God is helping me on it, it shouldn’t be this hard? Does that mean I’m on the wrong path? Should I try less?
But now I see that yes, my strength is to be used, but to seek God.
Not for anything else.
Not to try to fix my marriage.
Not to try to resist temptation.
Not to try to do so many things that I am sufficiently distracted from my real troubles that I can keep going.
Not to try to make myself whole again.
to seek God
to seek God
As I write I am being restored.
Those three words. ‘to seek God’. What an adventure that is going to be! Where is he and what will bring me to him? I am excited by the possibilities already. And it doesn’t feel energy draining but life giving.
This writing feels a bit rough today. written by a tired person. Some days that’s just how it is. But knowing that I am not the only one who has these days and weeks and questions and moments of Hope breaking through, it is my hope as I write that some of the experiences I am having and glimpses of God revealing himself are encouraging you as you seek him too. Maybe you’ve never looked for him. Maybe today is a good time to start.