It’s been a strange few days. I thought I was beginning to get my knotted, twisted ball of wool, untied and untangled. And then the ball of wool was dropped and kicked around on the floor, not intentionally but by mistake. When I tried to pick it up I couldn’t find the end or the beginning, and the bits which I thought I had wound up neatly were once again twisted and knotted around other parts. It was still the same wool, I just couldn’t work out how to straighten it out. It didn’t look the same as when I held it in my hands.
I think it’s been untangled again now. I tried to put it back in a different way, but I just knew that that wasn’t how it was meant to be. I could have been persuaded to try to arrange it in that way, but it just didn’t seem right.
My instinct said no.
It’s been a rather distressing way to learn this, but I am remembering again that I can trust my instincts. My instincts are God given. We could call it the Holy Spirit’s presence in my life. We could call it getting a vibe about something. We could call it sensing something. It’s when I have a deep sense of unease about something, or the opposite – a deep sense of peace. Yes, in case you are wondering, my instincts were that I shouldn’t have got close to someone I wasn’t married to. I ignored them in favour of my wants at that time.
And I suppose that I have therefore felt mistrustful of my own judgements since then. But I am reclaiming that now. I am no lesser than I was a year ago. Despite what has happened in my life the spirit of God remains present with me. I have a responsibility to exercise my judgement and my understanding of people and it is not for me to hand the interpretation of my story on to others. Painful as it may be it is my job to do the untangling. Listening for the whispers that show me how to untie the knot and holding the wool up to the view of others to test the judgements I am making.
And when I got the wool back in a ball again , I sensed a ‘Yes’. I asked a few people I trust. They thought the wool had been wound up in the right way again.
The confusion and the anxiety left.
The winter is passing.
The spring is coming.
God is enough.