You never know quite what a day will throw at you do you ? I began today with a new disciplined, early rising, bible reading, writing, exercising habit. All good. My children followed suit and we were all ready for school and work without the usual stresses. Workmen completed the work on our house which has taken weeks. I had a productive time at work. I had an enjoyable walk with the dog. I attended a rather lovely work function and then …… BAM. Out of absolutely nowhere I got punched in the gut (metaphorically speaking). I am currently dehydrated due to the volume of tears etc that I have expelled ,since leaving the work function, in the private space of my car on the journey home.
For those of you who’ve been reading between the lines and in the shadows since I began this blog, yes, I fell in love with someone who wasn’t my husband. As far as I was aware he fell in love with me too. It wasn’t right. It was messy in more ways than you can begin to imagine. We decided that it had to stop. It did. I was heartbroken. I know – I’m a married christian woman who’s a mother, who’s been a leader in a churches and christian groups, and I still love God, and I shouldn’t have done that. But I did. It happened.
Anyone who has been where I have been will be painfully aware of the fact that you seem to make progress away from the grief and the pain, and then something happens and you are right back in the middle of the anguish again. Well that’s me tonight. Tonight something happened related to the broken relationship that made me feel trampled on, alone, hurt, angry and vengeful. I thought of multiple ways that I could hurt the person who has hurt me.
When I was young I once asked my mother to hold my sibling on the floor so that I could attack him. I was really angry with him for something he had done. I’ve no idea what it was now, but at the time it really, really mattered. My mother said no. I was appalled that she couldn’t see the injustice in the situation. I was furious that she wouldn’t help me.
This evening my sibling suggested that what I wanted to do tonight was akin to what my 10 year old self wanted. I had to acknowledge that he was right. He said that if I took a vengeful action I would hurt the other person. I said ‘So?’. He laughed. He laughed because it is not like me to not care about another persons pain. He knows that’s not me – that that is a response arising from extraordinary hurt. It’s also not what I want to do because I know that it’s not where I will find healing. And I want to find healing. I don’t want to keep living in this agonising state.
I know that my Mum loved both my brother and myself, and although she saw the anger and the hurt and probably knew about the wrongdoing too, she did not want either of us to be harmed by the other. I know that my Heavenly Father loves both myself and those who hurt me, and he knows the anger and the hurt and the wrongdoing, but he does not want me to harm the other. In doing so I will harm myself too.
So where do I turn ? Who will help me?
I listened to The Eagles in the car – Peaceful, Easy, Feeling. I have always loved that song since two American camp counsellors sang it round a fire at night, with the words of ‘Amazing Grace’ in place of the verses but with the original chorus.
It gave me a peaceful, easy feeling then, and it does tonight too. My feet are on the rock. I don’t need to go anywhere else.
“Cause I get a peaceful, easy feeling
And I know you won’t let me down.
’cause I’m already standing….
I’m already standing
Yes I’m already standing on the ground.”