I didn’t plan to write today but I’ve had a reminder of a truth this morning that I want to share. I reached this weekend tired and sad, with a twitchy muscle in my face indicating everything had been pushed a little too far. I recognised another thing about myself – I am the woman who has had years of practising juggling many balls whilst also spinning plates and taming lions. I look like I can do it. People admire me for my ability to manage an extraordinary range of things at once. Here’s the truth. I don’t manage – internally I start to crumble. I become a house of cards. There will be an inevitable point where it topples – perhaps after years but it will come. Here’s another truth – I know when the crumbling begins because I feel myself becoming driven and more and more determined to keep going. Why don’t I stop ? That is a big question for another day, but the truth of this morning is that I felt the crumbling yesterday. A friend sent a text just gently asking about the number of things I seemed to be taking on. Instead of replying with a ‘I’m fine, it’s under control’ text, I said, yes I think I’m avoiding rest and quiet.
So today I write this post in my PJs at midday on a Sunday morning. My family have gone to church and I only got out of bed one hour ago. I was called to rest today. To stop the crumbling. To turn away from the lion taming and plate spinning. To set down the juggling balls, and to listen to He who put the stars in the sky and knows the volume of the oceans and made me.
I sat and I cried and I prayed. Because of course when all the activity stops and it’s just me and my Father we talk about the pain and the brokenness and my questions . and this is what I’ve heard.
I need to believe my Father’s wisdom and trust his love. I know he loves me. I know he understands me. So whatever his voice calls me to do then that’s what I should do. With a peace and no fear. I don’t have to strive or work. I just have to let him carry me and feel his heartbeat as he carries me on his chest.
My spirit has been lifted. I have once again been reminded that the more I lean in to God and rest and breathe with him and in him, the more I remember that I am totally safe and secure in his love.
“Even though the fig trees are all destroyed, and there is neither blossom left nor fruit, and though the olive crops all fail, and the fields lie barren; even if the flocks die in the fields and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will be happy in the God of my salvation.”
Habbukuk 3:17,18 (NLT)