‘Under the light of eternity things, the daily trivia, the daily frustrations fall away. It is a matter of getting to the centre of the beam.’
May Sarton – Journal of a Solitude
The centre of the beam. I’m in it today. I have been so far off centre for a few days that I was in the darkened shadows – the valley of the shadow of death. The ‘end it all’ thoughts were back. I’d known that I was journeying in the shadows, and once in the darkness it’s hard to see the light again.
I wanted to try to get back to the light, but I knew, as a drowning person must know, that my efforts alone would be pointless and a waste of the little energy I had. I was given permission not to try. I was given permission to rest, and to hear Jesus’ invitation of Holy Week and to take the steps I could and release the rest. Acknowledge my weakness and accept God’s heart and help.
I am part of a community of women travelling towards Easter and the cross and the resurrection together. We are spread across continents, but God has brought together people with whom I have the most particular and significant things in common. Women who have walked where I walk. Women who I can share my heart with. Women of faith. Women who constantly reassure each other – you are loved, you have value, you are right where you should be. Women who gave me that permission to rest.
So yesterday I stopped trying. I wasn’t sure if that really was acceptable. What would happen when I stopped trying ? I’m barely holding on by my fingernails so surely I’d drop off the cliff face. I stopped trying but I turned to the people God has put around me and I spoke of my weakness and I described my confusion and I found that as I let go, God caught me. Made me laugh. Amazed me by the divine power which extends even to the timing of email delivery ( one week after pressing send. Really? At just the moment I needed it, and not a moment before).
When he caught me he set me in the centre of the beam again. I didn’t have to try to get there.
Prayer, rest, community, permission, words written and spoken, honesty, the Divine. quite a combination.
Holy Week. Holy moments. Holy Ground.