Where did it go wrong ? The plan was my plan.

This morning I am going to church for the first time in many weeks.

The significance of that statement is only understood in the context of several decades of life where the occasional Sunday worship gathering  may have been missed, but never consecutively or for a sustained period.

Even a year ago,  especially a year ago, I couldn’t have imagined that this would be my current situation. A year ago I was on fire. I was full of life and hope and enthusiasm and my relationship with God was close and passionate, and I was daily dependent and learning new truths.

At this present time my relationship with God remains close and dependent and I am daily learning new truths. I have however become separated from my church community, and I have been unable to go to services.

The circumstances which have led to my disconnection are complicated and messy and painful and incorporate much that is or was wrong. Damaged relationships and dishonesty and broken trust and abuses of power, all have played their part.

But today I find myself going back. I’m pretty nervous – I’ve made a lovely lunch to return to,  I’ve dyed my hair to help with my confidence, and I’m helping a friend with the little kids when I’m there ( my reason for showing up).

This is not how I am supposed to be. This isn’t how my life should look. This was never in the plan. What is going on ? Who have I become?  How does any of this make sense?

The thing is that the plan was my plan. Maybe some of it was God’s plan too, but I’ve made some bad choices, and flawed decisions and as a created being with free will that was always going to happen.

I think this morning has brought me back to one of the words that I picked up on a few weeks ago. Surrender.  It’s not a once off, it’s ongoing. I need to keep surrendering every day to a God who loves me, who doesn’t want me to be hurt and who is walking every step of this painful journey with me.  I need to surrender my plans and selfish dreams to his much bigger and greater and more beautiful ideas for what my life can be.

So today I will go to church.

I know that God is good. For today that is all I need.

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