In these past days Hope has become almost a tangible presence in my life. It’s hard to explain but perhaps describing a few of the events of the past few days will illuminate. Hope comes to me in so many different guises and it makes me smile . It makes me smile because every sign of Hope reminds me that I have a heavenly father who takes delight in creatively communicating his love to me. The rainbow appeared moments after I’d said ‘God I can only do this with you and if you’re there you need to give me a sign’. He did. And he doesn’t seem to have stopped yet.
Of course the Hope necklace through the post was a pretty strong start to the messages. That was so tangible, extraordinary and well timed that it made me sit up and take notice. Perhaps that’s why I’ve been noticing more of the communications since .
On Friday it wasn’t long before I was attempting some emotional self harm again. A friend told me to put down the razor blades and then made herself available to me as we sat in the rain in a car outside the school where we’d just dropped our children. She listened and in doing so enabled me to move on to a safer place.
Later in the day a musician friend told me to listen to her newly recorded song. The song was about me. It was beautiful. I was overwhelmed and awed by her gift.
An unexpected dinner guest arrived with single red roses and ‘I love you’ balloons for all of us. Having chosen to ignore the fact it was Valentine’s Day I was taken aback, and felt the warmth and love of that kindness.
We danced in the kitchen as we cooked our meal; we ate and shared life and watched terrible TV and did our nails.
Hope was there.
In a necklace, a generous friend, a song, a rose, dancing, a meal.
My expectation was that a particular day was going to be a very difficult day, but Hope was there before me. When I looked in the mirror as I got out of bed, I heard myself saying ‘You are strong’. That surprised me but as I looked back at my reflection, I claimed that truth.
And then there was the piercing. I have wanted to have my upper ear pierced for years. Saturday morning I was texted by the unexpected dinner guest who suggested we should meet to do it right then. I said yes, and we went with my children who filmed the moment of pain for their amusement, but gave me such genuine smiles of affirmation at the end, that I knew they liked what I’d done, and they love me as I am. I couldn’t stop smiling.
Hope was there.
In truths and cards and piercing and smiles.
And as I look back on the past few days I love how little by little, baby step by baby step, God is walking with me and whispering in my ear that I am understood and accepted in my complexity and variety. I realise that as my heavenly father communicates with me through people, and music and gifts, and fun and my renewed desire for self expression that he really gets me. I am known. Through and through. I am loved and understood. I am still who he made me to be, and I should be living life to the full.
Hope – because of love.