What I want you to know about doubt

I don’t doubt. I disbelieve.

I don’t actually think that there is any possibility that these things can be true.

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I don’t believe the clichés

I don’t believe that ‘God doesn’t give us more than we can handle’

I don’t believe that ‘everything has a purpose’

I don’t believe that ‘God must have wanted her in heaven’

I don’t believe that those in paid Christian ministry are ahead of the rest of us

I don’t believe.

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I don’t believe the theological interpretations that allow someone to tell me that my child’s illness has a link to generational sin

I don’t believe that there is a dividing line and that the boundary is whether you go to church or not, or swear, or drink, or fall in love with a person you’re not married to

I don’t believe that admitting you’re a sinner will put people off coming to know Jesus

I don’t believe that pretending we all have it together makes for a healthy church

I don’t believe any of those things.

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Some things I can tell you hand on heart have been my experience. And in as much as they have been my experience they are my truth.

My truth is that when I started shouting at God – whoever and wherever he may be, God seemed to become much more real and involved in my life

My truth is that lying hemorrhaging on a hospital bed, heartbroken for the baby I wouldn’t have, and fearing that I was going to leave 2 children without their Mummy an audible voice said “ Daughter I am holding you”.

My truth is that on countless occasions I’ve been given strength, or peace or joy which makes no sense in the situation and is from somewhere or someone outside of me.

My truth is that every day when I open the bible it speaks right into my soul. It nourishes me and saves me.

My truth is that in the depths of depression and in the aftermath of heartbreak I have felt loved.

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Faith and doubt – those are scary words.

But disbelief and my truth.  Dim light in the dark places. 

I’m ok with that. 

Are you ? 

 

hum1pz

This was prompted by Alissa writes, and I’m linking with her blog today over at  http://www.alissabc.com 

 

 

 

 

 

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8 Responses to What I want you to know about doubt

  1. Yes to doubting those clichés!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow. This is SO powerful. Like you, I shy away from the easy answers now. “God is in control.” “It’s God’s will.” Etc. I honestly don’t find those things comforting or true. Everything that happens in the world is NOT God’s will. But that doesn’t mean that God can’t work in the midst of heartbreaking situations. I always go back to the God of Gethsemane, the Jesus who asked to not have to suffer. And then he had to suffer, as we all do. We have a God who has experienced the full human experience: pain, fear, loneliness, torture, humiliation, death. That is what comforts me. My church teaches that when Jesus ascended into heaven, he took his humanity with him. He didn’t leave it behind only to become merely divine again. Jesus is forever God and human, the God-man. Anyway, I’m getting off on a tangent, but your words are truth to me!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. AlissaBC says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your truth with such refreshing honesty. I’m so glad you joined the conversation. <3

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Beth Morey says:

    I’m with you on not believing all those shitty cliches. I’m with you celebrating your real, uncomfortable, exquisite faith.

    Like

    • caiobhesblog says:

      Beth it is real and uncomfortable. Thanks for adding exquisite. I read your post, and for some reason it wouldn’t let me comment, but I wanted to say yes. don’t let anyone try to ‘fix you’. I hope they honour your journey instead.

      Like

  5. I’m so sorry about your sweet baby. So grateful to be joining you on your journey. I am so encouraged our paths have crossed. Much love to you xo

    Liked by 1 person

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